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The Austere Academy: Book the Fifth
by Lemony Snicket and Brett Helquist

More ghastly than boarding school, and almost as interminable.

Read the first chapter

Buy the hardcover, audiocassette, CD or library edition in the US.
Buy the hardcover, audiocassette, CD or library edition in Canada.


You'd be better off not reading anything more about this alarming volume, including this letter found on the back of the book.

Dear Reader,

If you are looking for a story about cheerful youngsters spending a jolly time at boarding school, look elsewhere. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire arc intelligent and resourceful children, and you might expect that they would do very well at school. Don't. For the Baudelaires, school turns out to be another miserable episode in their unlucky lives.

Truth be told, within the chapters that make up this dreadful story, the children will face snapping crabs, strict punishments, dripping fungus, comprehensive exams, violin recitals, S.O.R.E., and the metric system.

It is my solemn duty to stay up all night researching and writing the history of these three hapless youngsters, but you may be more comfortable getting a good night's sleep. In that case, you should probably choose some other book.

With all due respect,

You will probably not find this Guide helpful.
Art by Brett Helquist